The tragic story making rounds on social media today is not just about two people. It is about a society that has forgotten the wisdom of its ancestors. A young man or woman walks blindly into marriage without knowing the family they are marrying into and soon, crisis erupts. What is trending may look like scandal to some, but to those who know our tradition, it is simply the fruit of neglect.
What is trending right now is not just another scandal. It is proof that we have forgotten where we came from. The Tiv never joked with marriage. Before a man or woman was given away, the family was investigated (tôv tsombur). Who are their people? What runs in their bloodline? What stories trail their name? It wasn’t suspicion, it was wisdom. Today, we call it “love” and rush blindly into unions. Tomorrow, we are shocked when hidden truths tear everything apart.
Once upon a time, marriage was not a private affair. It was a covenant between families, carefully weighed, deeply investigated, and solemnly sealed. Among the Tiv, this duty was sacred: Tôv tsombur (the investigation of a family’s history was a rite of responsibility before any marital tie could be made). Love alone was never enough.
Families combed through the roots of their would-be in-laws. They asked hard questions. Does this lineage carry madness? Violence? Curses? Tsombur u mbaiv, mbatsav, mba gbiden do, ubokoti mbaiorov cii (the family of thieves, witches and wizards, gamblers, empty vessels) were all grounds to walk away. Not out of prejudice, but out of foresight. They believed a marriage should strengthen bloodlines, not weaken them. It was a system designed to protect children yet unborn.
This tradition was not peculiar to Tivland. Across Africa, and even in the Bible, it was wisdom to know who you were marrying into. Abraham, revered as the father of faith, sent his servant on a painstaking mission to secure a wife for Isaac. Marriage was never left to chance, it was guided by scrutiny, prayer, and community consent.
But look at us today. Civilization has mocked our old ways into silence. Social media has taken the place of the elders. Two strangers meet in a city, fall in love overnight, and before anyone can ask who are these people? A marriage or worse, children are already here. Families now learn of unions from Facebook posts or whispered rumors long after vows have been exchanged.
We are paying the price. Marriages collapse under the weight of secrets that should have been uncovered. Children grow up carrying burdens that could have been avoided. Families are torn apart because no one asked the old questions, because the chain of accountability has been broken.
Our forefathers were not fools. The Tiv support system of “ishughul vookoko” where families stood firmly behind newlyweds, ensuring that crises were managed before they became disasters was not mere ceremony. It was a pillar of social cohesion. Today, that safety net is gone, replaced by secrecy and selfishness.
We must face it, what we call “civilization” has eroded not just culture, but common sense. Marriage has been reduced to a private gamble instead of the public covenant it truly is. And when marriages crumble, society bleeds.
The Tiv have a saying, One either marries into peace, or one marries into trouble. We are now a society marrying into trouble blindly, recklessly, repeatedly.
This is a call, not for a return to outdated rituals, but to timeless wisdom. We must restore the dignity of marriage as a union of families, not just individuals. We must give parents back the right to ask hard questions, not to control love, but to protect it. We must rebuild the support systems that once made marriages unshakable.
Civilization without wisdom is chaos. Love without scrutiny is risk. If we want strong homes, healthy children, and a society that will not collapse under its own weight, we must remember the wisdom of our fathers.
For the Tiv, and for all of us, ‘tôv tsombur’ was never about control. It was about survival. And survival, in every generation, is non-negotiable.
Civilisation may have mocked our old ways, but without them, we are marrying into trouble blindly, recklessly, and repeatedly.
Sewuese Stephanie Shaakaa, writes from Makurdi- Nigeria. shaakaastephanie@yahoo.com 08034861434
